At some point we all like to pretend we’re emotionally sophisticated, and then life throws us a reminder that our brains can short-circuit over the wrong person in seconds. While wandering through the psychological maze of why we obsess over people who give us absolutely nothing back, I ran into a term that deserves a spotlight: limerence. It sounds like a cleaning product, but no. It’s a genuine psychological phenomenon, courtesy of psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined it in 1977 after observing just how bizarre humans get when “in love.”
Limerence can turn an experience that should be exciting into an emotional circus.
Dorothy Tennov
She was born in 1928 and spent much of her academic career researching human emotions, romantic attraction and interpersonal relationships. In 1979 she published Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, the book that introduced “limerence” to both psychology and the general public. Her work was based on interviews, surveys and clinical observation, and she approached the topic with an almost anthropological curiosity about why humans fall in love the way they do.
She continued to write and teach until her death in 2007, leaving behind a concept that many people use today to understand their own romantic behaviour more clearly.
So… What Is Limerence?
In simple terms, limerence is the obsessive, romantic infatuation that takes over your brain like a squirrel on caffeine. It’s the intense emotional and physical longing for another person, combined with the unwavering belief that their attention is basically oxygen. Unlike love, which can be mature, steady and not completely unhinged, limerence is the version where your thoughts and behaviours are hijacked by the desperate need for reciprocation. Tennov studied it clinically and discovered that, shockingly, this chaos is extremely common.
Symptoms: Otherwise Known as “Why Did I Do That?”
Limerence behaves a lot like an addiction, only without the fun. Typical features include:
- Intrusive thoughts you never asked for
- Fantasies that could win awards for unnecessary drama
- A compulsive urge to confirm your feelings are returned, even if the evidence is basically a shrug
This state can make perfectly rational adults behave as if they’ve temporarily misplaced their common sense. It also fuels intense idealisation, turning the other person into a flawless deity even if their greatest achievement is answering your last message with a 👍.
It Doesn’t Only Happen in New Relationships
Limerence isn’t picky. It can show up in long-term relationships too, creating unrealistic expectations, emotional whiplash and arguments that start with “Why didn’t you look at me exactly the right way just now?”
You can read the original in Spanish here, published in July 2024.
And yes, it can fade over time, like a fever that finally breaks. Sometimes it even evolves into a more balanced relationship. Other times it just causes a lot of emotional damage until someone finally realises that maybe, just maybe, this whole ordeal isn’t normal.
A Personal Example (Because Apparently I Like Pain)
Looking back, I’ve definitely been “limerent,” especially with people I barely knew. At one point I was so dazzled by someone that I practically rewired my schedule around them, ignoring my friends like they were side characters in a show I had stopped watching.
One night, after cancelling plans for the millionth time to bask in the presence of this person, a friend called me out. Days later she apologised for sounding harsh, then proceeded to point out that my little obsession wasn’t just wrecking my friendships but also my emotional sanity. Cue the revelation moment. My phone would beep (this was the era of SMS) and I’d jump like someone had fired a canon beside me.
I spent days replaying that conversation. Eventually I realised how important it is to maintain balance between the people who keep you grounded and the one person who turns your brain into boiling soup. I’m still someone who gets dazzled easily, as anyone who knows me can confirm, but I no longer plunge into the pit like I used to.
Age helps. So do the emotional bruises you collect on the way.
References
Tennov, Dorothy. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Scarborough House,